Oranges

 
The story of the night didn't end just after the football game, no there was more to it than that. I was just about post the second half of the story when my sister, Summer, gave me a call. I had just written the first two lines when she interrupted me. She asked if I could drive back up the city to help her out, she was stuck outside her apartment. Well, I didn't mind going for a drive so I gathered some stuff that she wanted and her spare keys. I hopped into my car and just before I decided to head off, I decided to call Kayla.

Kayla picked up and I asked "Hey, you doing anything? Wanna kill a few hours with me? I just need a go for a drive and I would like some company". She told me she needed to just needed to get changed real quick and she'll be out. I told her it'll be at least ten minutes before I reach your house anyways, so no stress.
I picked her up and I drove up to the city. There was a bit of small talk but nothing too major. We reached Summer's apartment and we met up with her. I gave her what she wanted and we headed back home.

The drive home was a lot different to the one on the way home. It wasn't small talk, it had quite a bit of emotion into it. Not her emotion, but mine. I told her that I wasn't happy. This came to a shock to her because she thought I was happy. I said I wasn't. Every time I saw Kayla, everything didn't matter and I forgot about my problems. Maybe that's what she saw, the expression on my face when I was with her told her that I didn't have a worry in the worry. That I was happy. I told her this whole year that has past sucked, everything about it except me getting accepted back into college. I hated it, somehow I didn't feel I was good enough for anything anymore. She reassured me that I've got it all wrong. She stated that I was a good person, that there's nothing wrong with me, that I was the most amazing person, that I made everyone smile and laugh, and my laugh itself is awesome. She told me whatever it is, I was worth it, better than being good enough. She said she knew it, she knew it more than anyone because she knows me better than anyone. She wouldn't have dated me for five years if she didn't and I wouldn't still be her best friend if I wasn't.

We finally got back to her house and I asked her "So why am I not good enough for you?" She knew that's what I meant in the first place but she didn't want to head into that area. She didn't want to because we've had this conversation before so many times before. She knew what I was gonna say and I knew what she was gonna say. But eventually was started talking. We talked about what we wanted and want we both didn't want. In the end I told her this: "Think we should stop seeing each other. It's too hard to see you anymore. Remember last Saturday? Do you know why I called you when you got home and told you what I wanted for my birthday? It because we were staring at each other in the car for an hour talking... I looked at you and I fall in love. Every time I see your face, I fall in love."

As easy it sounds, you think that would be the answer but it's not. It doesn't work this way. I looked at her and told her that this isn't working, because we don't seem to reach an agreement. It always comes to an eventual loop to the whole thing and nothing gets resolved. She agreed, every time we say something about not seeing each other, we eventually seem to find each other again. I stopped what I was going to say and remembered the advice I gave Riker not too long ago: Conflict cannot be resolved over compensation. Think of an orange. Both of us want the orange and you'd think cutting the orange in half would be the most logical thing to do. No it's not. By cutting it in half, one half might be bigger than the other, resulting in one person complaining that the other person got more. It's not an equal neutral solution and so that results in be an compensation. Kayla looked at me and asked "So what do we do?". I told her we need to think about the orange and to actually talk about what about the orange we want. Instead of just saying you want the orange, talk about the reason and outcome you want out of the situation. Because one person might want the rinds to make a cake and the other might want the juice. That way both sides get want they want, which doesn't resolve in cutting it in half or compensating. Kayla stopped to think.
She'd rather to stopping seeing me than to hurt me. She wants be friends, but if it hurts me too much then she rather not see me. Then it was me. I thought about it, but I didn't come up with anything. Funny, I came up with the orange theory and I couldn't apply it myself. Thinking further, not seeing each other is what Kayla wanted in the end. If we were not too see each other, I would stop being in love with her and just be friends. Again, compensation. I looked up to the ceiling of my car. "There's nothing you can do, it's all up to me isn't it?" Kayla didn't say anything. She couldn't do anything, she didn't want to force herself to love me, she wouldn't be happy in that relationship. She wanted me and who I have became, but she wanted me before when we were dating. When we broke up everything had changed, more specifically she'd changed. I'm fighting a losing battle and the more I fight, the more it doesn't make anymore sense. It hurts, but that was it.
She asked me if I wanted to do something together for my birthday. I said yes, one final thing and I knew exactly what I wanted to do.
Kayla told me that I should try and stop thinking this way, she believed I was worth more than I think I am. She wanted me to be happy because despite everything, she still cares the world about me. Kayla reached over to hug me. I softly lied my head onto hers and told her "I'm sorry, I miss you"
She whispered back, "I miss you too"

She got out of the car. Before she shut the door, she told me that she meant everything she had said from the bottom of her heart. You could tell she didn't want to leave me the emotional mess that I am but she really needed to go. She waited for me collect my thoughts, then I finally looked up at her eyes and told her "I love you"
Kayla smiled and gently said back "...I love you too"